diary-billboard music awards

Sorry for any spelling/grammar errors, but I didn't know I was doing this until it dawned on me at the last minute... This year's ceremonies-coming to you live from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas-yeah, sure, they're a movie studio, but whatever. -Li'l Jon roars out of the gate winning hip-hop artist of the year for a song, which in the 30 seconds I heard, is utterly, incredibly bad, even by Li'l Jon standards. -Gwen Stefani wins "Digital Song of the Year"-which is not, astonishgly an award for electronic composition, but most-downloaded ringtone. Yep, most downloaded ringtone. She thanks Pherrell for an "amazing cross-cultural something-or-other" and I begin to consider watching our Larry Sanders Show DVD. -someone named Ciara plays-yep, I don't know who it is either. Ludicrous is up there somewhere, though. That guy does more guest spots than Dom Deloise, I swear. Oh, wait, I think I heard this on Jammin' 95. All the dancers are like a combination ninja/navy SEAL motif, but it comes off as totally not tough in the least. There's a lot of starts and stops and random changes-it's really more like a cheer routine than a song. Did I mention she was introduced by 3-6 Mafia? I remember them from the cover of Murder Dog magazine, which me and Gabe found for free the first year I was in Portland, good to know they're doing well. -Hollywood Hulk Hogan-just keeps on plugging along. Good god, it looks like he's wearing a Hulk Hogan mask. Also he can barely walk. Still has the voice, though. Random anonymous blonde girl is singing Spanish for whatever reason. Oh, it's 'cause these two couldn't-possibly-be-more-caucasian people are introducing the Latin Music Award. Makes sense. The Hulkster is just butchering the pronunciations-this is probably going to be the best part of the whole show, bar none. Meanwhile the white girl is overenunciating everything to make up for it. And Shakira wins!!! I thought she was dead-no, that's Selena. Sorry, guys. -they keep talking about "Ashley Simpson....LIVE"-I like that the entertainment is everyone hoping she totally can't sing-also R Kelly is going to be in the mix somewhere, he's coming hot off taking a crap all over the National Anthem at some boxing match, I guess, I haven't seen the footage, so I don't know, it might be awesome. -Did I mention LL Cool J is hosting? Kool Mo Dee is at home in his wraparound shades, still seething with anger. -Two dudes-no idea who they are-introduce the R&B Female artists. Fantasia? Ciara? Nope, Mariah Carey wins as Mike Tyson looks on from the crowd. Talk about the lunatics running the asylum. Good insane synergy. -Larry the Cable Guy & Chingy? WILL THE WACKY PAIRINGS EVER CEASE? Chingy is pretending to laugh at Larry's jokes-this is really, uncomfortable, if you hadn't guessed. Chingy pronounces "Album" as "Ahbum"-and throws it to a live performance by the Country Artist of the Year-TOBY KEITH WINS-FUCK Yeah! TK looks even more terrifyingly pudby and jingoistic on a 3-story tall projection TV...did I mention his song is called "let's get drunk and beat somebody?" How exactly is this any different than the much-derided gangsta rap? -TK thanks the good lord for the ability to write songs about getting drunk with your friends and then singling someone out for random violence...I didn't hear him thank Ford Trucks, though. That's odd. -Fox's "Skating with Celebrities"-what can you say about Fox's willingness to show anything that hasn't been said at this point? -LL wants me to make some noise, but I have absolutely no idea who these people are? Oooo, Ashley Simpson and a hip-hop group that is like Boyz2Men combined with Onyx-smooth R&B interspersed with double-time screaming raps. Ooookay-that's an approach. And here comes Ashley!!! Well, she's live-the amount of "singing" going on is really up for debate-and most that is being done is being done by her backup singers. What's the difference between Ashlee and Paris? Someone clue me in-Paris has the porn tape, Ashlee has the album? Are we sure they're not the same person? -Okay, here's two more dudes-no idea , but I do know "Mario" just won best R&B/Hip Hop song-he didn't send a shout out to Luigi, I guess they're fueding (last video game joke of the night, I swear). First and foremost...are you going to thank God? Oh! How did I know? -coming up Billy Joe (Green Day) giving Tom Petty the "century award"-which they must give to any artist who recorded before the advent of the cell phone. -Whoa! An ad for Myspace records volume 1 Myspace represent!!! Wow, Clay Aiken is really starting to resemble one of the elves in Rudolph -LL wants everybody to hold up cellphones-and "ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY IS DOWNLOADING RINGTONES, RIGHT?!" and makes everyone hold their cells in the air and affirm this. Frightening. That bit of corporate fascism can only mean it's time for "ringtone of the year"-and it's Fifty Cent-and LL's gonna call him on his cellie-and fiddy's in Paris? Isn't there enough gangsta shit going on in Paris? The last thing they need is Fifty Cent there. -LL is just a glorified hypeman on this show-the lowest rung on the hip-hop stepladder. Ok, and Gwen isn't going to do "hollaback girl?" She has some other song-whateves, I'm going to smoke. -the guy who is rapping in the Gwen song flow is so dismal I have to think he won a contest to be up there. Nice fronts, though. -Billie Joe is reading his intro for Petty off of scraps of paper-it's like watching him give a book report in junior high or something. They don't mention his Traveling Wilburys stint, oddly enough. Oh, wait a minute, they totally did! His music evidently "provided the soundtrack to our lives" He didn't do SHIT with ringtones, though, dawg!!! Billy Joe gets in a subtle dig at everyone thanking God. You little punk, Toby Keith and his backup band are gonna get drunk and beat you with their Ford trucks, son! -Tom thanks his band, his fans, not God, he does thank the record companies, but c'mon it's Tom Petty, not Ian McKaye. Man, oh, man, does he look old. -LL's trying to get people to give it up for Charlie Wilson, but there's only so much they're capable of giving up...they introduce R Kelly, who's performing amidst approximately 3,000 writhing bikini-clad women at the MGM pool-shouldn't he be in the kiddie pool? Okay, that was too easy. After Chapelle's parody of him it's really hard to take this seriously, okay, it was pretty hard in the first place. R's singing into the camera a lot. -I really hope FOX is running this show with their trademark corporate precision so that would mean it ends just in time for the "MethWatch" at 10pm, 'cause I don't know how much more I can take. I'm going to start looking on SoulSeek-nothing seems to be popping on myspace, I wonder how the late NBA games went? Kanye West is coming up, though. Maybe something will happen. Mike Myers isn't on the premises, I would imagine. -two actors from "House"-still on the air? Introduce Pharell and "Danny Ankeny", oh my mistake it's "Daddy Yankee", of course. I think he's rapping in French or Brazillian. I'm so clueless as to what's happening. They 've done this with a bunch of songs-calling them "groundbreaking collaborations", when really they're just two songs back to back, clumsily. Pharrell's wearing a gilded saucer on a chain. I think it's from the Li'l Jon collection at Zales, but I can't be sure. -ooo, the stars of "Stacked" and Young Jeezy-I tell you it's a great time to be alive right now. They're doing Modern Rock Artist of the Year-and it goes to Green Day, that's right, the band I listened to when I was 18. They've aged...interestingly. I hope they key Toby Keith's Ford truck in the parking lot on the way out. -they just said, "see the performance everyone on the internet is blogging about"-ouch, that hurt. -I mean, it's so blatant, every single guest from TV is from a FOX show, even the crappy ones no one watches-and now LL's giving props to American Idol, and it's the latest American Idol! Performing!!! Can't they just have that one crazy Trading Spouses lady come out and condemn everyone to hell instead? This song is just abysmal-no one likes this, right? You have to buy it to get a good deal on a cell phone or something, that's why it gets sales? Right? -currently downloading Manitoba, Ghostface, and Deerhoof, and of course "Daddy Yankee" Goddamnit, I could have been downloading shit all this time...oh well. -One of the non-Beyonce's in Destiny's Child is presenting the Artist Acheivement Award-to Kanye West. Can't argue with that. That squishy sound you hear in the back is Rupert Murdock shooting blood from his eyes. The whole thing is controversy-free. -I guess this is song of the year-there's a bunch of old guys dressed as Guns and Roses? goes to Mariah Carey-I have no feelings about this or anything else in popland at this point. She thanks about a million industry jagoffs that she reads in a list from her Blackberry-maybe she just had her assistant email her the list-just speculating here. Now they're going to reveal a "one-time only performance everyone is talking about"-I think I missed something-why am I not talking about this???

-the whole thing wraps with an insanely tacky R Kelly number that involves him in an all-white suit, playing an American Flag guitar, and holding a lighter aloft. Katrina Victims' pictures are used to show what a caring dude R is despite all the child pornography stuff. This is a neat summary of the country right now, actually.